The Talk
by PaperPrince
Summary: General Hux takes it upon himself to give Kylo Ren "the talk" but ends up learning a few things himself. [The First Order is very prudish but Kylo is going to change that].
"When the female is aroused..." General Hux trailed off realizing he was not being paid attention to. He slammed his hand down upon the table in frustration. "Lord Ren stop doodling on your datapad and pay attention! There will be a pop quiz at the end of this session. If _you_ fail, we will have to repeat this whole session and that would be _a waste of my valuable time_. As it is, this should only have taken ten minutes. Do you understand [Buckethead]?"

Ren slowly put his datapad down and turned to look at General Hux, his face unreadable concealed as it was beneath his helmet. Ren bent his head slightly almost apologetically and Hux supposed that was the closest he was going to get to an actual apology.

"As I was saying, when the female is aroused..." Hux says pointing to the educational hologram playing on the holoscreen.

"I do not understand. You said this was a health and safety course." Ren said his head tipped to the side in confusion. [The gesture did not remind Hux of his cat Milicent one bit].

This time Hux does sigh. If Ren hadn't choked the first instructor he wouldn't be having to have this talk now with Lord Ren in meeting room 3. "It is a _personal_ health and safety course. It came to my attention that there were no records of you having received sexual education and it is vital you undertake this training before-"

"Why?" Ren interrupts.

"Why what?" Hux asks his patience wearing thin.

"Why is it vital?"

"Primarily for Insurance purposes." Hux replies truthfully, Kylo Ren's Insurance premium was gargantuan. "Secondly are you aware of the number of sexually transmitted diseases that there are in the galaxy? It is vital that all members of the First Order practise safe sex. A lot of things are spreadable. Everyone has been given contraception shots but you never know what has been picked up while on missions. Most planets are practically cesspits of filth. Condoms are a necessity. Now as I was saying when the female is aroused…"

Ren makes a strange noise that sounds almost like a gag as his voice modulator hisses and crackles.

Hux pauses and looks at Ren sharply. "What is the matter now?"

"This talk is unnecessary."

"It is compulsory Ren. Do you want Leader Snoke to give you this talk instead?"

"…No. Fine. Then just skip ahead then to the men."

"Once the male has gotten consent, filled out form xxx, received approval from a superior officer and is wearing a condom he inserts his penis into the female's vagina."

"No, no. I meant gay sex." Ren says shaking his head. [Hux almost wishes he could shake Ren but knows that it would probably be the end of him if he did].

Hux looked at him blankly. "Well, I suppose sex should be enjoyable. The three permitted sex positions are missionary (with or without the lights off), doggy style and reverse cowgirl. Although that last position is only permitted for married couples." He explains using the holoscreen to provide visual aid.

"I meant between two males." Ren says and something in his tone makes Hux hope he is blushing beneath his helmet.

Hux looked at him scandalised. "I cannot imagine any female loyal to the First Order wanting such a thing. The First Oder does not condone orgies. Or sex in the refresher. It is unsanitary and risky."

"No. I meant sex between just two males, no females involved."

Hux looked at him confused. "I dont- that's not possible." He stuttered his ears turning pink. "Is it? Who told you that?" He asked his cheeks flushed as his mind whirled with indecent thoughts.

Kylo shrugged. "I read a lot of people's minds. Plus it's all over the HoloNet apparently." He leaned over to the holoscreen and before Hux could do anything about it there were lots and lots of educational images flickering on the holoscreen.

Hux moved in closer for a better look and bit his lip. "That seems unsanitary. [But enjoyable]. This is interesting. As General I should investigate. Ren take your clothes off, I'll get started on the forms…"


End file.
